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Bonehead

Skull Master
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
12,242
Location
Fruita, Colorado
I know the job hunt is on for many. Just trying to do my part and help out.

tirexrays.jpg
 
Last edited:
Dude... where do I sign up!?!?!?


Wellllllllllllll, we just happen to have a little application for you to fill out! :D:D


You are Job Applicant Number 0743843
>> {REDNECKVILLE} JOB APPLICATION

>>>>> Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob

>>>>> (last) (_) Billy-Joe
>>>>> (_) Billy-Ray
>>>>> (_) Billy-Sue
>>>>> (_) Billy-Mae
>>>>> (_) Billy-Jack
>>>>> (_) Bubba

>>>>> (Check appropriate box)

>>>>> Age: ____
>>>>> Sex: (_) M (_) F (_) N/A
>>>>> SHOE SIZE: ____ LEFT ____ RIGHT (_) N/A (DON'T NEVER WEAR
>>SHOES)

>>>>> Occupation:

>>>>> (_) Farmer
>>>>> (_) Mechanic
>>>>> (_) Hair Dresser
>>>>> (_) Un-employed

>>>>> Spouse's Name: __________________________

>>>>> Relationship with spouse:
>>>>> (_) Sister
>>>>> (_) Brother
>>>>> (_) Aunt
>>>>> (_) Uncle
>>>>> (_) Cousin
>>>>> (_) Mother
>>>>> (_) Father
>>>>> (_) Son
>>>>> (_) Daughter
>>>>> (_) Pet

>>>>> Number of children living in household: ___
>>>>> Number that are yours: ___
>>>>> Number of children they have: ___
>>>>> Number that are yours: ___
>>>>> Mother's Name: _______________________
>>>>> Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave
>>>>> blank)

>>>>> Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

>>>>> Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate

>>>>>box)

>>>>> ___ Total number of vehicles you own
>>>>> ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
>>>>> ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
>>>>> ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
>>>>> ___ Number of vehicles used as pools?


>>>>> ___ Number of vehicles that are not trucks

>>>>> Firearms you own and where you keep them:

>>>>> ____ truck
>>>>> ____ bedroom
>>>>> ____ bathroom
>>>>> ____ kitchen
>>>>> ____ shed
>>>>> ____ on you

>>>>> Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

>>>>> Did You pass the Redneck Eye-Test?
>>>>> (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

>>>>> Do you have a gun rack?

>>>>> (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
>>>>> Do you know these people?Click for 3d
>>>>> (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

>>>>> Have you ever watched those people just for the recipes?
>>>>> (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

>>>>&gtDo you know the words to the Petticoat Junction Theme Song?
>>>>> (_) Yes (_) No; No?Click Here Now!

>>>>> Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

>>>>> (_) The National Enquirer
>>>>> (_) The Globe
>>>>> (_) TV Guide
>>>>> (_) Soap Opera Digest
>>>>> (_) Rifle and Shotgun

>>>>> ___ Number you actually read
>>>>> ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
>>>>> ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
>>>>> ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

What does this sign mean to you?

Circle One
1- the owner can't spell 911 ?
2- the owner takes care of his own problems?
3- the owner doesn't have a telephone
4- all of the above?



WORD PROBLEM
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a 45 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. Which answer fits you?

Yankee Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Southern / Redneck Answer:
BANG!

Okie Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"

>>>>> How often do you bathe:

>>>>> (_)Weekly
>>>>> (_)Monthly
>>>>> (_)Not Applicable
>>>>> (_)Don't you spell that with no "e"?

>>>>> Color of teeth
>>>>> (_)Yellow
>>>>> (_)Brownish-Yellow
>>>>> (_)Brown
>>>>> (_)Black
>>>>> (_)N/A

>>>>> Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

>>>>> (_)Red-Man
>>>>> (_)Grow your own

>>>>> How far is your home from a paved road?

>>>>> (_)1 mile
>>>>> (_)2 miles
>>>>> (_)don't know

>>>>> Number of talk shows you watch on a daily basis: ____

>>>>> Number of talk shows you have been on :_____

>>>>> CREDIT HISTORY:

>>>>> Have you financed a tatoo lately? Y/N
>>>>> If yes, indicate amount: $ _____
>>>>> If no, explain.

Which of the following do you say most often?
We don't keep firearms in this house.
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Shaddup and git me a beer!


*General Information*

Can you count past 20 without stripping? [] yes [] no [] never tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin' [] Coon Huntin' [] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[] Other

Truck equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track
[] Rebel Flag [] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio
[] Beer Cans [] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Elvis (the young Elvis)
[] Elvis (the old Elvis)
[] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser [] Bud Dry [] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local

Merberships:
[] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club [] B.P.O.E. [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [] Born there

Section B
HiTech Applicants Must Fill-In Section B
# Does Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com." [] yes [] no

# Does your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."[] yes [] no

# Does your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT."[] yes [] no

# Is your computer worth more than all your cars combined.[] yes [] no

# Has your wife said either she or the computer "had to go," and you still don't miss her.[] yes [] no

# Have You ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer. [] yes [] no

# Do you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."[] yes [] no

# Is your screen saver a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.[] yes [] no []Other/Explain

# Do you start all your e-mails with the words: "Howdy y'all!" [] yes [] no

# Have you ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.

# When your friends comment on your "nice boots" and do you say "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."[] yes [] no

# Do You get honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn't cover damage from "Bovine Saliva."[] yes [] no

# When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.[] yes [] no

# Have You ever been to "http://www.hee-haw.com."[] yes [] no

# Have you ever been caught with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM by your wife.[] yes [] no

# Have you ever ordered your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.[] yes [] no

# When, in a pinch, have you used your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.[] yes [] no

# Do you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can't write your name.[] yes [] no

# Have you ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.

# Do you know that NORTON UTILITY isn't a power company.[] yes [] no




Your Signature (one X will do): ____________________________Date:_____
 

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