potatoes....razors

[ratrodney]

last night i had a big baked potatoe and sour creme n chives....then my razor attacked me and while running away my bathroom light kept yelling ..in here fatso...so i said heck with it and ate raisin bran and went to sleep in my 50 gallon drum. thanks. rr

 

[Snake Farm]

I had the exact same thing happen to me!

 

[Torch]

mitch hedberg quotes

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."


I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.


I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why. That's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

 

[Snake Farm]

"This shirt is dry clean only.......which means......it's dirty."

Gotta love Mitch Hedberg, may he rest in peace!