Endless BS thread

[earthman]

Hi Bob

This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

THE REPLY
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

 

[earthman]

WOMEN IN SPACE


"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."

 

[echnidna]

If you have to know I just found a grey hair[ddd

 

[forbigpicture]

Be careful........

 

[maverickmk]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

[maverickmk]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 

[maverickmk]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

 

[maverickmk]

A little girl asked her father,

"How did the human race start?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 

[8literbeater]

It's starting to get really nice out there. It was only 90° out when I drove to work this morning!

 

[maverickmk]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little ba#$%^* is adorable.

 

[maverickmk]

Two guys are in a locker room taking a shower after a round of golf, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second guy, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I can't", lamented the first guy. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man came boiling out. He said, "I am the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No crap?"

 

[maverickmk]

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

The Chinese guy returns a few days later and this time orders 50.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me, What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers, "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

 

[maverickmk]

At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch."

 

[Yankee Transplant]

[cl[cl

 

[earthman]

The GW bridge paid for itself a long time ago and they sure don't spend much on maintainence. Sure would like to see the numbers for how much profit it produces and where that money goes.

 

[maverickmk]

 

[earthman]

That's not where i intended to post that. How did that happen?

 

[Yankee Transplant]

earthman I seen it when you posted . but I thought I just missed something .. I get off track a lot so I didnt think about it much .... but I did see where they charge so mush to cross it ... thats crazy !!!

 

[8literbeater]

gone west

From way back at post 3475.

I suppose a lot of you have seen this, but it's worth posting again.
http://youtu.be/qxCpK1W_Gjw
She bought that Packard in 1949.

Still driving...
http://archive.freep.com/article/20...ar-old-woman-driving-in-woodward-dream-cruise

obituary: http://www.detroitnews.com/story/ob...ret-dunning-laps-around-competition/27626093/

"Life has been wonderful," she said then. "I thoroughly recommend it."

 

[earthman]

Really disappointing to hear this. What a wonder she was.