laughed 'till it hurt
from most embaressing moments thread on Rods 'n Sods
There are so many.......
This did not happen to me but my pal Big Dog.
Quick bit of background. Big Dog is not called that because he is Kin Huge or Plays front row at Rugby or participates in White Collar boxing or even because he started out life as a hod carrier. No. It is because he has a Big Dog.... And he is Kin Huge....
Anyway, if you are sitting comfortably then I will begin....
Dog has a big presentation to give to the board of a transport company which will result in him getting a nice big order. He is selling the predecessor to Sat Nav or some such thing.
So, being the consummate sales professional that he is, the night before the meeting goes out and gets completed ****ted. Huge curry with all the trimmings plus at least 400 pints of Guinness...
Alarm goes off and he realises he is late with 2 hours to go on a 3 hour journey, smells like a tramp, neat Guinness oozing from every pore and a distinct wiff of Chicken Vindaloo...
Jumps in car and proceeds to get to meeting about 30 minutes late (this is in the age of no mobile phones so could not call ahead).
Arrives in reception to be told they are all in the board room waiting for him.
Dog asks the receptionist if she can point him in the direction of the bathroom as he needs to 'release the demons' that are now not only making their presence heard but are contributing heavily to the worlds green house gases....
'No Time' says the front desk troll, 'you have to go straight in'
Now a little bit more scene setting. The offices are going through a major refit and the board room is now in a portacabin, beautifully done out with thick carpet on the floors, panelled walls and pictures of the founders looking down on to a huge oak table, in fact it does not feel like a Portacabin inside at all....
So, Dog walks into the Boardroom, 30+ minutes late, looking like he has slept in a ditch, smelling like the public khazi in Calcutta high street on the hottest day of the year, to a very frosty reception.
Sets up his little presentation and just decides to go for it, I mean how much worse can it get?
Oh dear....
A few minutes in he begins to feel that rather familiar sensation in his lower bowl...
Ignore it...Concentrate on the pitch....
5 minutes in he is sweating like a...well... insert your own favourite here.... and last night excess is making itself heard...
Able to hold on no more our intrepid salesman makes his excuses and asks if he can use the bathroom as he is feeling 'unwell'.
The Chairman points to a door at the end of the room and indicates that this is the location of the executive washroom.
Now, remember that this is a portacabin.... Dog opens the door and there is a little cubicle separated from the great and the good of said company by a paper thin wall.... Unfortunatly it is now too late to worry about such things as his curry has now reached the point of no return....
The way he tells it is that it sounded like Beethoven's 5th, including cannon fire, and probably lasted as long.... but...he now felt much much better and ready to turn around the miserable old gits with his charm and sales patter....
Flushes the toilet and turns to give himself the 'I'm a Tiger' talk in the mirror... About to leave when he realises that the toilet is still flushing and the contents of the bowl rather than disappearing never to be seen again are coming back for an encore....
Now, as he see's it at this moment he has two choices.
1. Try and stem the tide of filth and call for assistance or...
2. Ignore it and return to the meeting as it will probably sort itself out.
As he re entered the boardroom the look of complete shock on the faces of all assembled told him that they were not appreciative of his salute to Beethoven but, being the sales God he knew he was went straight back into his pitch where he had left off.
A tough audience to say the least he battled on until after a few minutes realised that they were no longer looking at him but over his shoulder in the direction of the door to the 'executive washroom'...
Fearing the worst, but hoping for the best, Dog turned and joined the others in looking at the door behind him...
Now, remember that I said earlier that the portacabin was now decorated like a proper boardroom with a thick carpet.....
Dog describes it as a 'River of Death' appearing from under the door a proceeding to wash across the carpet complete with little sail boats floating upon it made from used Toilet Paper... And the smell....
It was at this point that he turned and headed towards the exit, leaving his demo kit and presentation on the table and headed straight back to his car, not passing go and departed never to be seen in their offices again...
I am too embarrassed to tell about any of my exploits which, I am even more embarrassed to say, there are many....
P.
....how's the fearmobile coming?
