Wednesday night funny

[Snake Farm]

A cleaning lady goes to the Lady of the house and says "I need a raise"
What makes you think you deserve a raise replies the Lady of the house? Well, I'm a better cook than you are the Maid replies. And who told you that? Your husband the Maid says.
What else makes you think you deserve a raise asks the wife? Well, I do the laundry better than you replies the Maid. And who told you that asks the wife? Your husband mam, replies the Maid.
So what else do you think that your are better at than me asks the wife? Well says the Maid, I'm better in bed too! I suppose my husband told you that too replied the wife. No mam says the Maid, the pool boy told me.

Your raise will be on your next paycheck Miss!

 

[Old Iron]

[cl

 

[sgtpontiac]

OK....I'm game...

Guy walks into a bar, see's a glass bowl on the bar with lot of money..asks the bartender, "hey why the money in the bowl?"..Bartender says "see the horse at the end of the bar?, if you can make him laugh, you win the money"..Guy say "ok, I'll give it a try"...walks over to the horse, whispers in his ear and the Horse starts laughing....Guy goes back to the bartender and says "do I win the money?" Bartender says "yep" and hands him the money.....
A week later the guy walks back into the bar, see's another glass bowl filled with cash...asks the bartender "what do I have to do to win the money this time?".. Bartender says see the horse at the end of the bar? You have to make him cry"....Guy says "ok, I'll give it a try"...walks down to the horse whispers in his ear, drops his pants and the horse starts crying.....
Guy goes back to the bartender who gives him all the money....Bartender says "Gotta ask, what did you say to the horse to get him to laugh the first time and cry the second time?"... Guy says "The first time I told him I had a bigger Johnson than he did.....made him laugh.....this time I told him the same thing only then I showed him"......

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse

His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I thee her twot"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that;
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

 

[sgtpontiac]

LMAO!!!!!!

Sunday school Teacher is asking a class of 6 year olds what Easter means to them...little Shirley raises her hand and says "Easter is when you get dressed up in funny costumes and go to houses and get candy"...the teacher says "no, that's Holloween dear".....Little Bobby raises his hand...teacher says "ok Bobby what is Easter to you?"....Little Bobby says "that is when you get dressed up and you go to Grandma's house and eat Turkey".....Teacher says "no Bobby that is Thanksgiving"......Little Johnny (the class clown) is jumping up and down and the teacher Expecting the worst hesitantly says "ok Johnny, what does Easter mean to you"...."Well that all starts when Christ was crucified on the cross next to 2 bad guys, then his followers are given permission to take him down"...The teacher is surprised....."Johnny, please continue"....Little Johnny says, "well they carry him to a cave and they put him there and then they roll a big stone in front of the cave opening"....The teacher is totally amazed at Johnny's knowledge of the death of Christ...."Please Johnny, tell the class the rest of it"... Little Johnny without hesitation " well they leave him there for 2 days, then they roll back the stone, Christ sticks his head out SEE'S HIS SHADOW AND THEN THERES 6 MORE WEEKS OF WINTER!!!"...

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

Tough To Find Good Help

Two men are nailing Jesus to the cross. Before they can finish, Jesus starts to fall off (somewhat resembling a Greg Louganis swan dive) and he yells, "Hands first you idiots, HANDS FIRST!!!"

 

[BigIrish]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend...

Hahaha! That one made my morning. [cl

 

[46FORD$PU]

Jesus walks into a hotel hands the hotel owner a couple nails and ask him if he can put him up for a night.

 

[RoddingRon]

Two blondes walk into a bar....you'd think one of them would have seen it!

 

[hotrod preacher]

a priest a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender looks up and says "what's this a joke?"


sorry but i had to get in on the funnies...[cl

 

[oldskool]

The teacher decides to test the childrens deductive reasoning.. she tells the class "I will hold something behind my back and give you clues and you tell me what it is". So she does so and tells the class what she has is round..Little suzy says "its a ball!" No, the teacher replied.."but I like the way you think. The next clue she gives is it's red..Little johhny wants to play but she looks over him as he is always dirty mouthed, and calls and lacy which said "it's an apple!". The teacher said "Thats right, I like the way you think." By now little Johnny is ticked! "Teacher, I want to play... and I got one for you! The teacher said "ok, fine! But you better keep in clean, or you'll go to the office!" Little johnny said "yeah, ok whatever..here's your clue. It's round, hard, and has a head on it and I have my hand on it in my pocket" The teacher screamed "That's the end of this young man, go to the office!" Little johnny said "ummph...well thats not it teacher. It's a quarter...But I like the way YOU think"

 

[Snake Farm]

a priest a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender looks up and says "what's this a joke?"


sorry but i had to get in on the funnies...[cl

Classic! [cl[cl[cl

 

[sneakysnake]

oldie but a goodie,

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.

The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man replied, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."

Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!" So the monkey and the man left.

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of peanuts, put one in his a$$, and then ate it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"

The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it."

 

[hotrod preacher]

littlejohnny was pushing an old lawnmower down the sidewalk when the local minister rode up on a bicycle... "what are you doing with the lawnmower?"
johnnie replied, "dad said i could go sell this and get me a different bike."
Well the preacher struck a deal and johnny rode off on his new bike and the preacher left with a lawn mower...

a little while later johnny rode up while the preacher was completely red faced from cranking on it... "THis thing does run, doesn't it johnny? "

yep, it does preacher, daddy said he had to give it a good cussin' before it would run tho,"

"Johnny! i am a minister, & have been for 35 years, i dont even remember how to cuss!"

"Preacher you keep pullin on that crank rope n ill bet you will remember how!"

 

[GJunktionMike]

Verks 4 me.
A Norwegian Math Test --- This only works for those in Minnna soda , Nort DaKoda, or Viskonsin…don’t cha know!


Ole, a Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he says he won't hire
him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.. 'Without using numbers,
represent the number 9.'
'Witout numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

What's this?' the boss asks.
Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent
the number 99.'
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go!'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'You must be from Iowa …Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.
Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'


The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Norwegian winces and shakes his head…UFF-DAH…you must be a Finlander from Iowa…he leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !!
So, ven do I start

 

[Neverdone]

One day little Susie came home from school. She went up to her mom and said "Johnny showed me his ***** today" Mom was furious and before she could say anything little Susie says "It reminded me of a peanut" Mom starts laughing and says "Pretty small huh?!" Susie replies "No, salty"