Endless BS thread

[maverickmk]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' sweet voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied, "You're having soup, jerk. I was talking to the cat!"

 

[CR55]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' sweet voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied, "You're having soup, jerk. I was talking to the cat!"

[cl[cl[cl[cl

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

A Poem About Tomatoes:

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these suckers do, because they're still in the tin.

.

 

[maverickmk]

Two Norwegians were drinking in a bar.

One said, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Shoot...." said his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

 

[jfg455]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree ...on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

 

[maverickmk]

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: “Sukitaki.”

Wife replies: “Kowanini!”

Husband says: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”

Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”

Husband replies angrily: “Na miaou kina tim kouji!”

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese! Unbelievable!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

There is no hope.

 

[maverickmk]

A tough old cattleman from Alberta counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103.

When she died she left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[billy]

A huge delivery truck overturned on the highway, spilling thousands of copies of the Thesaurus all over the place. Local newspapers reported that onlookers "Were stunned, amazed, bewildered, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, stupefied, astounded, dumbstricken, shocked, astounded, surprised, thunderstruck, and gobsmacked."

 

[maverickmk]

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

 

[jfg455]

So, I was at an 80's dance, they played "the twist" so I did the twist, they played "Jump" so I jumped. Then they played "come on Eileen" and they kicked me out....

[S

 

[Torch]

A Poem About Tomatoes:

...Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these suckers do, because they're still in the tin.

.

That ain't right doc... lol
Try pork n beans

 

[Torch]

I just made this today

Another Torch original 03/22/2014

 

[skull]

shopping

--
I went to the hardware store today. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said: "Strip down, facing me!"

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future but that's ok, their prices are high anyway.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.


Later

 

[billy]

I.R.Pops and I finished the mounts on the weasel
I drove it home and washed it
And was going to drive it to work.
Then I noticed that the tags are expired and I can't afford to renew them
So it is parked
Grrrrrr

 

[Yankee Transplant]

Good one skull [cl

 

[jfg455]

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol
This is a story of self control and marksmanship.
A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire
These are her own words.:While out hiking in Missoula Montana with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

 

[Sam_Fear]

Saw this on CL. What a great idea for a shop fridge! (My wife would not be as impressed)

 

[maverickmk]

Charlie is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

Charlie knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

Charlie walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' The man replies sheepishly.

Charlie falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

The Man says, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."

 

[maverickmk]

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.

'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.

The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"

'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie."

 

[maverickmk]

At a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked,"I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"