comic relief

[Bonehead]

Gynecologist

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
> HMO paperwork and was burned out.
>
>
> Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
> he decided to become a mechanic.
>
>
> He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
> attended diligently, and learned all he could.
>
>
> When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
> prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous< /font>
> skill.
>
>
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
> obtained a score of 150%.
>
>
> Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don 't want to
> appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
> there is an error in the grade."
>
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
> perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
>
>
> "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
> worth 50% of the mark."
>
>
> After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50%
> because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen
> done in my entire career."

 

[Tripper]

 

[tiny1]

LOL

 

[moronthethrottle]

more humor

A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.
A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!
The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"
The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"

 

[cnchotrods]

Redneck Vasectomy

After their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in redneck country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The redneck said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


( you'll love this..)


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , ....and Washington DC .



=

 

[Sam_Fear]

Didn't see that one comin'!

 

[wrecker55]

WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL


------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. . . once."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Never trade luck for skill."

------------ --------- --------- ---------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And "Oh, dear!" (or saltier statement)

----------- --------- --------- ---------

"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation:
we never left one up there!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
"What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

 

[BadRATT]

Hehehehe

LMAO..I loved them all...

 

[likes_2_tinker]

that was some of the best my wife even laughed

 

[wrecker55]

Blondes

The plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blond, i'm beautiful, i'm going to houston and i'm staying right here." the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to houston and i'm staying right here." the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "first class isn't going to houston .

 

[wrecker55]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

 

[cnchotrods]

 

[moronthethrottle]

Blonde Speedometer

 

[moronthethrottle]

 

[BruceR&C]

Letter to Ann Landers

Dear Miss Landers,

I am a thirteen year old girl from Kentucky. I am not pregnant. My question for you is,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Are my brothers gay ??????

Cofused in Hazard

 

[wrecker55]

This is the worst day of my life


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, What' cha gonna do about it?

The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' I can't stand to see a man crying.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my own dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

 

[51Cards]

A Blond Calls The Fire Dept. Obviously Upset Screaming, Help Me, Help Me, My House Is On Fire!

Fireman: Now Just Calm Down Ma'am and Tell Me How To Get There.

Blond:












IN THE BIG RED TRUCK, DUH!

 

[Bonehead]

 

[Bonehead]

 

[BruceR&C]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life!
---This enables you to at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60,,,,,
---Now he's 97 & we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,,,,
---especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
---before my brain figure out what I'm doing.

I joined a Health Club last year.
---Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
---I wash my mouth out with beer.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately,,
---my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
"Well, he looks good, doesn't he?"

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
---start with a small country.

I know i got a lot of exercising done the last few years,,,,
---just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
---That's my story & I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
---I find a Happy Hour & by the time I leave I look just fine !