comic relief

[streetrodman]

blonde joke

good one....lol

 

[Bonehead]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and
every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned
out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,” thank the Lord, Tom
is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked
if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[bob w]

I HAVE wire staples in my sternum. Sure glad they're not in that other area.

 

[Rusty Cage]

Way back in high school we were selling pointsettias at Christmas for a fundraiser. My girlfriend was having no luck selling them at all. We went into a local business and she started her sales pitch "Good afternoon Maam. Would you like to buy a placenta for Christmas? I have red ones and white ones." I never even had the heart to tell her.

 

[hotrod preacher]

The devil himself walks in the back of a church one Sunday morning...
as he walked up the isle all the people started running out or jumping out the windows until finally even the preacher bailed - every one was gone but the devil and one very old man on the front pew....
"Don't you know who i am?" the devil asked "Yep" was the reply
"Aren't you afraid of me?" was satan's second question... "Nope" was all the old-timer said, as he still sat there totally calm
Satan shouted "WHY NOT?" the old man looked up and replied "because for the last 50 years i swear i've been married to your sister, and i don't figure you're any meaner than she is!"

 

[Bonehead]

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

__________________

 

[wrecker55]

ol guys rule

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count

as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring

back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous

day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,

it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,

then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her

teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first

with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it

between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[wrecker55]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I

And where about from Ireland might you be?"


The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, and so am I
"Sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks,
"Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

[BruceR&C]

Replacement windows

Last year my neighbor replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
"Helloooo," she says "just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid." So, she told him just what his fast-talking sales
guy had told her last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!
"Hellooooo? It's been a year!" she told him. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up. He
never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[moronthethrottle]

I just rolled my car...How do I look?

 

[wrecker55]

bad day

 

[Bonehead]

Fifty Years of Math 1959-2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she e stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the
evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?

4.. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20.. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and
if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho
__________________

 

[BruceR&C]

^^^Funny as hell. Unfortunately, true as hell, also.

 

[moronthethrottle]

That is funny Bonehead, but at least they're going back to asking a mathematical problem...which is most important IMO.