Endless BS thread

[maverickmk]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said, 'Take a sweater!'"

 

[Gastrick]

All those pastor/minister jokes reminded me of this. This isn't a doctored photo. I took it myself near my old home town in Kentucky

 

[Sam_Fear]

Dudes.... I was just thinkin'.... what if the internet ran out of room?

 

[sgtpontiac]

Sorry, just heard this one today.....

Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.

"Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one replied.

The drunk thought that over for a minute. "Well, you'd better let him get in with me, you're going to kill him!"

 

[hotrod preacher]

alright, early i know.....


....but i have a deal going for another old ford cab & doors-don't know even the year model exactly...supposed to be 46-47....[dr[dr

hoping me and the boys can build us a rat-bobbed tow truck...[- one rule according to the 9 year old.... duals... it's gotta have duals dad....

pics as soon as i acquire it
this is not exactly what we're going for but a cool pic for inspiration anyway...

http://www.remarkablecars.com/main/diamond-t/diamond-t-002.jpg

http://www.remarkablecars.com/main/diamond-t/diamond-t-001.jpg

haven't been this excited over rust in a year or 2...

 

[Sam_Fear]

- one rule according to the 9 year old.... duals... it's gotta have duals dad....

Priceless!

 

[earthman]

Ever notice when looking at shiny cars your eye goes straight to the flaws, but when looking at rats your eye goes straight to the welds.

 

[Sam_Fear]

Ever notice when looking at shiny cars your eye goes straight to the flaws, but when looking at rats your eye goes straight to the welds.

So you're saying I should shiny paint on my Olds to distract from my poor welding?

 

[earthman]

Sam, as T1 once said "(shiny)paint is the devil's way of hiding the truth"

 

[bob w]

To paraphrase Ed (Big Daddy) Roth, Once you paint it (shiny) you are telling the world that is the best you can do.

 

[hotrod preacher]

To paraphrase Ed (Big Daddy) Roth, Once you paint it (shiny) you are telling the world that is the best you can do.

i think i'll leave mine rusty or in primer!

 

[CR55]

What a week and its not over yet! Company sent me to an address to do a repair on some fitness equipment. Found the address ok, but it was a funeral home. So I go up to the door and knock( don't want to barge in) and no answer after a few knocks. So I walk in. Yeah, in the middle of an all black funeral. It stopped when I entered because everyone turned around to look at me! Right place...wrong. time! . Today I walked into a backyard after the owner told me too only to hear her scream...OH NO HE'S OUT!!!! Meaning the giant thing she called a dog. Who ny the way figured I was in his turf. She hollered run but he was a bit faster than I was! Leaped on my back and proceeded to bite me! Luckily it'd been cold here so I had a few layers on......can't wait to see what happens tomorrow! [S

 

[sgtpontiac]

Holy crap!!

Didn't know fixing fitness equipment would be so tough.... love the funeral thing...that one to remember.....where is the fitness equipment at the funeral home??? Hope it's not used to excersize the stiffs....sorry back to the viagra jokes..........

 

[RAT IHC]

Another Wal-Martian Sighting

Went to Walmart last night for a new fishing license. Waiting at the counter a lady in her 60's - 70's yelled "Get the h*** out of my way" as she pushed her cart past me. She had a little dog of some kind in the cart. When I looked at the dog I said to myself "That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen"...apparently I said it to myself out loud. Must have been my tourette's. She gave me a mild suggestion what I could go do with myself.

-Troy

 

[CR55]

Went to Walmart last night for a new fishing license. Waiting at the counter a lady in her 60's - 70's yelled "Get the h*** out of my way" as she pushed her cart past me. She had a little dog of some kind in the cart. When I looked at the dog I said to myself "That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen"...apparently I said it to myself out loud. Must have been my tourette's. She gave me a mild suggestion what I could go do with myself.

-Troy

You insulted her baby!!!!!

 

[RAT IHC]

You insulted her baby!!!!!

She insulted me by making me look at here "baby"...that dog had no hair and cleft lip.

-Troy

 

[maverickmk]

She insulted me by making me look at here "baby"...that dog had no hair and cleft lip.

-Troy

Hey, I think I dated her. Oh wait, you said the dog had a cleft lip & no hair, never mind.

 

[maverickmk]

Downtown D.C., a driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "About a gallon."

 

[earthman]

POTATOES

Old Maurice wanted to grow potatoes in his garden, but he's alone, old, and his son is in jail.
He sends his son an e-mail:

Dear André,
I'm very sad, as I'm too old to grow potatoes in our garden.
I know you would've helped me plough if you were here.
I love you.
Dad


His son replies:

Dear father,
please stay away from the garden! That's where I hid the stuff.
I love you too,
André


4 hours later the federal and local police, narcotics and CTU drive up to Maurice's house.
They spade every single inch of the garden, but can't find anything and head back.

The same evening, his son sends him another e-mail:

Dear father,
If my calculations are correct, your garden should be completely ploughed by now, and you can start planting.
This was all I could do for you from here.
I love you.
André

 

[sgtpontiac]

A little humor.....

What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

and last but not least......

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
about 45 pounds.