Endless BS thread

[sgtpontiac]

You are bad.......Very Bad....!!

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby."

by the way, while you were on hold with Dell support in India...your computer went on standby..lol.....

 

[maverickmk]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" Said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[Sam_Fear]

Thought this was an interesting graph:

 

[kkadams123]

This is great news..... this is one of the few studies I know of that did not
cost over $3M to do and which resulted in usable information. Too often
studies of this kind become money pits and resolve nothing but making
more money for the proponents of the study.
..... Great work MTA, great work. . .


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200
dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that
they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the
remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem
was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.


However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when
crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to
warn of impending danger.


The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none
could say "Truck."

 

[Snake Farm]

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[maverickmk]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!

 

[maverickmk]

A wife said to her husband, "Would you go shopping for me and pick up a carton of milk? If they have avocados, get six."

A short time later the husband comes home with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

[maverickmk]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[Willowbilly3]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!

I told that joke in front of my last ex. She saw no humor in it at all. I still think it's funny.

 

[earthman]

Oh it's funny alright!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152642257355300&set=vb.776790299&type=2&theater

 

[maverickmk]

Actual witness stand questions:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[CR55]

LMAO!!![cl[cl[cl

 

[earthman]

We haven't done anything to show our appreciation to Tripper in a long, long time. Some of you were here when we commissioned Bonehead to make that plaque.

 

[bob w]

E-man, he's going to see this....

 

[jfg455]

is that a "checks in the mail" plaque?

 

[earthman]

E-man, he's going to see this....

I thinking some hints from him would be helpful.

 

[Bonehead]

Okay, if you ARE reading this stop now.


Why are you still reading?

 

[earthman]

Just checked...it's been almost exactly 5 years.

 

[maverickmk]

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called
"Depends"

When babies fill their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people fill their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

 

[maverickmk]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the 1st place.

Replace all the female flight attendants w/good-looking strippers! What the heck, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales & get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane & have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances & 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, & the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. A golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton