new job openings daily

[Bonehead]

wanted: Train Brakeman.

 

[earthman]

crane operator

 

[Bonehead]

The guy on the back of the boat is really going for a ride.

 

[Sam_Fear]

I thought that boat pic may have been faked until I saw the guy on the stern in the last pic!!! His job may be open. He might have decided to make a career change after that.

 

[Gearhead71]

No, you see, he is a buoyancy tester. Doesn't pay much......

 

[wrecker55]

I thought that boat pic may have been faked until I saw the guy on the stern in the last pic!!! His job may be open. He might have decided to make a career change after that.

think he changed more than his career

 

[Bonehead]

Too bad it is winter, cause you can usually get a job if you have a riding lawn mower.

 

[grouchy]

Too bad it is winter, cause you can usually get a job if you have a riding lawn mower.

That is great! Believe it or not, I did a google search for rat rod pictures and that came up!!!

 

[Bonehead]

Here is a new eco friendly commuter bicyle, Wanted: commuters

 

[Bonehead]

Wanted: Cheese Taster.

 

[Bonehead]

Along those lines... Wanted: Stunt double for Tom Cruise

 

[bob w]

Welders needed. Must have your own safety equipment.

 

[Thunder1]

Wellllllllllllll, we just happen to have a little application for you to fill out!


You are Job Applicant Number 0743843
>> {REDNECKVILLE} JOB APPLICATION

>>>>> Name: __Jessie Joe_Jack Johnson____________ (_) Billy-Bob

>>>>> (last) (X_) Billy-Joe <---------this uns my brother - Billy Joe Jack Johnson
>>>>> (_) Billy-Ray
>>>>> (_) Billy-Sue
>>>>> (_) Billy-Mae
>>>>> (_) Billy-Jack
>>>>> (_) Bubba

>>>>> (Check appropriate box)

>>>>> Age: __45_I think???_ Cant count that hi real good!
>>>>> Sex: (Yes_) M (_) F (_) N/A Sometimes (X_)
>>>>> SHOE SIZE: __9 1/2__ LEFT __11 1/2__ RIGHT (_) N/A (DON'T NEVER WEAR
>>SHOES)

>>>>> Occupation:

>>>>> (_) Farmer
>>>>> (_) Mechanic
>>>>> (_) Hair Dresser
>>>>> (_X) Un-employed - ma dern still blowed up last week!

>>>>> Spouse's Name: __Elverna_Jane Johnson______________________

>>>>> Relationship with spouse:
>>>>> (_X) Sister
>>>>> (_) Brother
>>>>> (_) Aunt
>>>>> (_) Uncle
>>>>> (_) Cousin
>>>>> (_X) Mother
>>>>> (_) Father
>>>>> (_X) Son
>>>>> (_) Daughter
>>>>> (_) Pet

>>>>> Number of children living in household: _6__
>>>>> Number that are yours: _5__
>>>>> Number of children they have: _8__
>>>>> Number that are yours: _7__ #8 the last one, is Uncle Pete's I'm purdy shure!
>>>>> Mother's Name: __Elverna_Jane Johnson____________________
>>>>> Father's Name: ___I calls him "Uncle Pete"____________________ (If not sure, leave
>>>>> blank)

>>>>> Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Cant surcle with this dang computr!!

>>>>> Do you (_)own or (X_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate

>>>>>box)

>>>>> __5__ I think??_ Total number of vehicles you own
>>>>> _1__ Number of vehicles that still crank
>>>>> __3_ Number of vehicles in front yard
>>>>> __1_ Number of vehicles in back yard
>>>>> _0__ Number of vehicles used as pools?


>>>>> _0__ Number of vehicles that are not trucks

>>>>> Firearms you own and where you keep them:

>>>>> __X__ truck
>>>>> __X__ bedroom
>>>>> __X__ bathroom
>>>>> __X__ kitchen
>>>>> ___X_ shed
>>>>> ___X_ on you

>>>>> Model and year of your pickup: ___Ford__F1_______ 1951

>>>>> Did You pass the Redneck Eye-Test?
>>>>> (X_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

>>>>> Do you have a gun rack?

>>>>> (_X) Yes (_) No; please explain:
>>>>> Do you know these people?Click for 3d
>>>>> (X_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

>>>>> Have you ever watched those people just for the recipes?
>>>>> (X_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

>>>>&gtDo you know the words to the Petticoat Junction Theme Song?
>>>>> (X_) Yes (_) No; No?Click Here Now!

>>>>> Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

>>>>> (_X) The National Enquirer
>>>>> (_) The Globe
>>>>> (_) TV Guide
>>>>> (_) Soap Opera Digest
>>>>> (X_) Rifle and Shotgun

>>>>> __1_ Number you actually read
>>>>> __4_ Number of times you've seen a UFO
>>>>> __11_ Number of times you've seen Elvis
>>>>> __1_ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

What does this sign mean to you?

Circle One
1- the owner can't spell 911 ?
2- the owner takes care of his own problems?
3- the owner doesn't have a telephone
4- all of the above?

I CANT SURCLE NMBRS WITH THIS DANG COMPUTR!!!



WORD PROBLEM
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a 45 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. Which answer fits you?

Yankee Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Southern / Redneck Answer:
BANG! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<------ this un right here!!!

Okie Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"

>>>>> How often do you bathe:

>>>>> (_)Weekly
>>>>> (X_)Monthly
>>>>> (_)Not Applicable
>>>>> (_X)Don't you spell that with no "e"?

>>>>> Color of teeth
>>>>> (X_)Yellow
>>>>> (X_)Brownish-Yellow
>>>>> (_)Brown
>>>>> (_)Black
>>>>> (_)N/A
>>>>> (X_)Green

>>>>> Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

>>>>> (X_)Red-Man - when I can afford it!!
>>>>> (X_)Grow your own

>>>>> How far is your home from a paved road?

>>>>> (_)1 mile
>>>>> (_)2 miles
>>>>> (X_)don't know

>>>>> Number of talk shows you watch on a daily basis: __1__ - Jerry Springur

>>>>> Number of talk shows you have been on :__(1) but a total of 5 times___ - Jerry Springur

>>>>> CREDIT HISTORY:

>>>>> Have you financed a tatoo lately? Y/N
>>>>> If yes, indicate amount: $ _$750.00____
>>>>> If no, explain.

Which of the following do you say most often?
We don't keep firearms in this house.
You can't feed that to the dog. <<<<<<-------This un here!!!
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big? <<<<<<<<<<<<<----- This un here!!
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Shaddup and git me a beer!
I also say - Hey ya'll, watch this!!!! <----- At uns ma favrit!!

*General Information*

Can you count past 20 without stripping? [] yes [] no [x] never tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [X] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin' [] Coon Huntin' [] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[X] Other

Truck equipped with:
[X] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track
[X] Rebel Flag [X] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio
[] Beer Cans [X] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist:
[X] Elvis (the young Elvis)
[] Elvis (the old Elvis)
[] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [X] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser [] Bud Dry [X] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local

Merberships:
[X] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club [] B.P.O.E. [X] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [X] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [X] Born there

Section B
HiTech Applicants Must Fill-In Section B
# Does Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com." [X] yes [] no

# Does your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."[] yes [X] no

# Does your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT."[] yes [X] no

# Is your computer worth more than all your cars combined.[X] yes [] no

# Has your wife said either she or the computer "had to go," and you still don't miss her.[X] yes [] no

# Have You ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer. [X] yes [] no

# Do you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."[X] yes [] no

# Is your screen saver a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.[X] yes [] no []Other/Explain

# Do you start all your e-mails with the words: "Howdy y'all!" [X] yes [] no

# Have you ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull. Ma lap stays with me all tha time ya dern fool!!

# When your friends comment on your "nice boots" and do you say "Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."[] yes [X] no

# Do You get honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn't cover damage from "Bovine Saliva."[] yes [X] no >>> Hog spit X

# When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.[] yes [X] no

# Have You ever been to "http://www.hee-haw.com."[X] yes [] no

# Have you ever been caught with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM by your wife.[X] yes [] no

# Have you ever ordered your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.[] yes [X] no

# When, in a pinch, have you used your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.[] yes [X] no

# Do you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can't write your name.[] yes [X] no

# Have you ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.

# Do you know that NORTON UTILITY isn't a power company.[] yes [X] no




Your Signature (one X will do): __X__________________________Date:__today___

After workin with the buncha Rednecks I been a workin with fer the past two weeks, workin with some new Rednecks sounds real invitin!!!! I is a hoping I get this here job sumpthin fierce!

Jessie Joe Jack Johnson - I also go by - "El Diablo", "The Magic Man", & of course -"Thunder1"

 

[Bonehead]

Wanted range-master, must have cat like reflexs:

 

[Bonehead]

Wanted: flight attendant who can explain what to do without actually doing it.

 

[Sam_Fear]

Is there a snow blower attachment for that?

That's Ralph! Where's his motorcycle???

 

[Bonehead]

Wanted: ladder truck operator, must have own ladder truck.

 

[Bonehead]

Wanted: fork lift driver, must have clean underwear.

 

[Bonehead]

Wanted: Theft protection consultant.

 

[Bonehead]

This seems to be a large field....