Endless BS thread

[maverickmk]

You are galloping along.

There's a big drop to your left.

An elephant is on your right keeping pace with you.

There's a kangaroo in front of you so you can't pass him.

And there is a lion behind you.

What do you do???

Get your drunk butt off the carousel!

 

[dmw56]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He
says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and
it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

 

[dmw56]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.' He never knew what hit him.

 

[maverickmk]

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.

The good fortune to run into the ones I do.

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[maverickmk]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[maverickmk]

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniel's, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

 

[maverickmk]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[maverickmk]

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I don't want to die until after Congress gets its head out of its butt!"

"You are crafty," said the fairy.

 

[maverickmk]

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help.

His wife told him to go out and buy some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can any of you help him?

 

[Sam_Fear]

Yer on a roll today Mav!!

 

[bob w]

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face, Celine?"

 

[jfg455]

My lawyer looked different to me some how.

"You cut your hair?" I says[S

"No." He says. "I took some viagra today."[dr

"Oh." says I. "Thats why you are 4 inches taller."[cl

 

[fuzz]

Time for a joke perhaps to lighten the mood.
In a bid to get more budget money from the government, the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD wanted to hold a massive competition to decide who deserved the money the most.

After the three branches gathered their elite officers and agents, they met at a gigantic dense forest. The rules of the competition were that the first team to find the only white rabbit in the forest in the shortest length of time wins the money.

The FBI team went first, and they stormed the forest. They used chemical testing to find droppings from a white rabbit but could only find a brown rabbit. They dyed the brown rabbit white, and tried to pass him off as the real thing until it started to rain and the white dye washed away, disqualitfying the FBI team.

The CIA team went next, and used an array of top secret satellites to locate the elusive rabbit's tracks-- but their attempts were fruitless. To avoid embarrassment for not finding the white rabbit, they set the forest on fire and released a press conference declaring the forest fires were inhibiting efforts to find the rabbit, and got disqualified.

Finally, the LAPD elite squad rushed into the forest, and five minutes later, everyone could hear loud crashing noises and a bunch of screaming. Everyone was afraid to enter the forest, but soon after, the LAPD rolled out of the forest beating the living crap out of a large grizzily bear with their police batons and the bear was screaming "OK! OK! OK! I'm a white rabbit!"

 

[maverickmk]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[maverickmk]

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grand pappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

 

[maverickmk]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said, "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

 

[maverickmk]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

 

[maverickmk]

Two blondes are sitting at Starbucks one day when a truck load of sod rolls by.

The one blonde told the other, "One day when I get rich I want to do that."

"Do what?", the other asked.

"Have my yard sent out to be mowed."

 

[maverickmk]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this was a bit too risqué behavior that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[maverickmk]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"