Endless BS thread

[maverickmk]

A son asked his mother, 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care, and the prognosis is not good!

 

[maverickmk]

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Missouri tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

 

[Sam_Fear]

That last one got me. [cl Laughed out loud and the wife asked me what was funny. Doh!

 

[Dirtyrat]

Yea, those were great!

 

[maverickmk]

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, then one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'

 

[maverickmk]

This one is for you Don

I was in Ft. Myers the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago"

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

 

[maverickmk]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

 

[maverickmk]

I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

[Snake Farm]

An old, blind biker wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair that you should know five things about this bar:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a black-belt.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 180-pound blonde woman with PMS.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde body-builder, jacked up on steroids.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, dude. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind biker thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

 

[sgtpontiac]

Second grade teacher is having an art class

All the students are coloring and drawing

The teacher is walking and telling students how nice a job they are doing

Teacher walks behind one little girl who is intently drawing and coloring

Teacher asks "what is that your drawing"?

Without missing a stroke of the crayon.. "I'm drawing God"

Teacher says "well honey, nobody really knows what God looks like"

Without stopping or looking up the little girl says "They will in a couple minutes"

 

[choppinczech]

My Grandson got lost while we were at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my Grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with ********."

 

[maverickmk]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied, 'I'm with the I.R.S..'

 

[maverickmk]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

[choppinczech]

My wife told me to go out and get some of those erection pills...

... I returned and handed her some diet pills. [cl

 

[maverickmk]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None.... It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

 

[jfg455]

Why are both the bride and groom smiling at a wedding?

The groom just got the best sexual favor of his life...

The bride just gave her last sexual favor of her life...

 

[earthman]

i realize now that i had a deprived childhood

 

[Torch]

I had a good month...made up a couple of jokes


Obama had a very bad month
He called the Vatican and they told him they already had a new pope
Then he makes a trip to Israel and they tell him he's not the messiah either.

I told these to a friend and his reply was
"Obama went to the Mob to see if he could be boss and they told him Fuh-Getta-boddit
So then Obama goes to the CIA asking if they can do anything to help...
...and he forgot about it."


I was in voice chat online last night playing war with some friends.
HardCell had just got called stupid by another player and I stuck up for him.
I said we think he's really well spoken and highly intelligent but he has an Impediment.
He asks "what's that"
I told him "Well you speak really eloquently about so many intellectual topics but when we try to reach you telepathically all we hear is (makes retarded noises)"

 

[maverickmk]

Norwegian Icebreaker heads North up the Mississippi River

As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in Minnesota.

So cold, in fact, that the State of Minnesota has borrowed a Norwegian icebreaker to clear the Mississippi River for barge traffic.

The Icebreaker is starting near Lake City and working its way northward.

Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins.

Impressive!

 

[maverickmk]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec-room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?!"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."