Endless BS thread

[earthman]

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

 

[kkadams123]

I am from Montana and I resemble that remark!

good one.

 

[decal]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

 

[kkadams123]

A pretty blonde is taking private flying lessons when the instructor suddenly dies. She gets very scared, and calls the airport tower. She says, "please help! My flight instructor had a heart attach and I don't know how to fly a plane!

"Don't worry, I will talk you trough it" said the traffic controller. "What is your position?"

She replies "well, I'm 5 foot 4 and I support Obama"

The traffic controller says "OK. Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....."

 

[UncleDonnie]

I like Legos

 

[Sam_Fear]

The best stand up comedian I've heard lately - the Mayor of Toronto. Go Canada!!!!! [cl[cl When he finally gets booted from his position, send him south. He'll fit in just fine.

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

 

[Sam_Fear]

Mayor quotes...
I just linked to it even though the profanity is censored out:
10 quotes from Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

"I get enough to eat at home." Classic!!!! [cl This guy could be bigger than Farley or Belushi.

 

[CR55]

GRANDFATHER of THE YEAR!!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming ...for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little *******'s name is Kevin

 

[earthman]

Good one CR! [cl[cl

 

[bruno]

People who write on bathroom walls roll their s**t in little balls, people who read those words of wit eat those little balls of s**t.

Thought i'd post something special for my 400th post.

 

[maverickmk]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them..

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!'

'That's nothing!' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."'

 

[earthman]

Tripper is probably going to roll your post count back to zero
for that one Bruno

 

[I-R-POPS]

People who write on bathroom walls roll their s**t in little balls, people who read those words of wit eat those little balls of s**t.

Thought i'd post something special for my 400th post.

Spoken like a true red neck that don't give a ****!
I love it.

 

[GJunktionMike]

People who write on bathroom walls roll their s**t in little balls, people who read those words of wit eat those little balls of s**t.

Thought i'd post something special for my 400th post.

600 more posts and you will get the post ho fame and all that goes with it

 

[jfg455]

Oh...She...burped and she farted and s*** on the floor
the gas from her a** blew the cat out the door
the moon shone bright on the skin of her t**
as she carved her initials in the slab of s***

[cl[cl[cl[cl[cl

 

[CR55]

[cl[cl

 

[maverickmk]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama.

 

[maverickmk]

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade"

 

[smallfoot]

Had a little dog,
His name was Ring,
Thru his tail,
I tied a string,
Pull the string,
And close the hole,
Get along little doggie,
With a tight A hole...