prayer request-trouble on the home front

[moparcowboy]

Praying for you Preacher!

 

[Old Iron]

Yes, things won't be the same but as others have said, keep moving forward because, there are plans for you.

Jim

 

[oldskool]

HRP, you know i'm here for you brother when you need to talk and vent. Men are from mars and women are from venus. I told told by an old preacher(he was old then!!) about 25 years ago that men think with logic,women think with emotion which is why we will never understand the other. Wired different.

 

[striptnut]

How ya holdin' up Preacher ? I'm praying today is a good day for ya! And remember-We're all here to listen and help in any way we can. This site is a gooda place as any to vent. Heck I remember a time I was inna bad way at home, I held in my anger, didnt vent at all,started throwin wrench's in the garage. Had to learn "bodywork"the very next day. Just a small bit of true humor hoping it made ya chuckle alittle !

 

[hotrod preacher]

thanks for asking, i guess its all up to me on where to go from here...

even though she has not found a place yet, she's still convinced she is leaving here, and said last nite the only chance we had was if i resigned this church and we moved back to our hometown (only 15 minutes away)
so i really dont understand how a marriage that is struggling (and part of the problem is finances) is going to do any better if we quit our only job...[S

*now dont misunderstand me guys, i believe that ministry is a calling and i am not a "preacher for hire" but no matter what a person does for work he has to provide for his family's needs-right?

i am at a difficult place, and i dont see a simple solution yet...so i am waiting to see what happens next

well enough of this mess, i think me & the kids are gonna take a spin in the hotrod

later
HRP

 

[donsrods]

You have been on my mind ever since you posted about this, Preacher. There is no easy way around it, any time this happens to someone it is hard......very hard. Having kids in the picture adds a whole new layer to the pain. Luckily, my Sons were grown when we split, but I just recently learned from them of how much pain and resentment they had over it. Evidently, I have been able to get rid of some of my anger but they still feel the effects somewhat. I would do anything I could to erase that pain they have, but I can't.

Now here again is what a buddy would tell you, Preacher. Start protecting yourself..........believe me, she has done that already. Mine had a whole bunch of money stashed away in a separate account so she was able to outmoney me in the proceedings. Women ALWAYS have a little security stashed away and have been planning this split before you even were aware of it. Go to an Attorney now, even if you do it on the QT, and find out your rights.

Everyone starts out with the agreement that "We are going to do this civilized and not make problems for the other one", but when friends and lawyers get involved it becomes all out war. Her friends are going to fill her head with "Don't let that SOB get away with anything, he OWES you." and the Attorneys will up that feeling even more.

You are right that logically it won't help any if you guys give up your job and move. That is because we men are LOGICAL, women are EMOTIONAL. You know deep down it won't make any difference and that all of a sudden things will be hunky dorey between the two of you. All that will happen is you will be out of work and she will be able to tell the court you are an unemployed bum.

I know what I have been posting sounds harsh, Preacher, but not only have I been down this road, but most, if not all, of my friends have too. It sucks, but it will get better after time.

Don

 

[Bamamav]

thanks for asking, i guess its all up to me on where to go from here...

even though she has not found a place yet, she's still convinced she is leaving here, and said last nite the only chance we had was if i resigned this church and we moved back to our hometown (only 15 minutes away)
so i really dont understand how a marriage that is struggling (and part of the problem is finances) is going to do any better if we quit our only job...[S

*now dont misunderstand me guys, i believe that ministry is a calling and i am not a "preacher for hire" but no matter what a person does for work he has to provide for his family's needs-right?
later
HRP

Quitting is never the answer if you are doing God's work. He will tell you when it's time to move on, it's not your decision. Moving 15 miles away is a clue, something or somebody in the area you are in now bothers her to the point of running away from it. I don't know your finaces, or nor do I want to, but you are providing for the family it sounds like, even if it isn't always enough. Lots of pastors have the same problem, small churches just can't pay that much, but the work must be done. Maybe a part time job would help ya'll out a bit if the money is the main reason she want's to leave, but then again, she may just be using the money as an excuse, I don't know.

She is wanting to run away from or run to something. I'm praying God will reveal to you what you need to do, and soon.

No, I'm not a preacher myself, but I have done some lay preaching in the past. One thing that keeps coming to my mind, is a scripture of God talking to Moses, can't remember just where it is right now, God tells Moses that when you've done all you can do, to just stand.
Hot Rod Preacher, you've done all you can do, so just stand.......

 

[donsrods]

Please don't think by this statement that I am not God Fearing, I am, but God helps those who help themselves. To just sit back and say "Have it your way, Lord" is setting you up to fail IMO. It is like the religions that ban medical intervention, God is up there wondering why they aren't taking advantage of medical advances he has had a hand in developing for them to use.

We are expected to work as hard as we can to get through situations, not sit back and wait for a miracle.

Don

 

[roddguy1]

HRP.......man I really feel for you right now, and I will keep you in my prayers. I would like to add some of my experience to this if I may. I agree whole heartedly with the comments Don has made, and Willowbilly made a very true and clear point. By the time she had the steel to tell you she was aready gone. By no means what so ever should you fall for the "if we move things will change" thing, because it won't. I tried desperately to save my marrage. I thought being a good, kind man, and a good provider was enough. I was heavily involved in my church worship team, and supported her in any endevour she wished to try. When I found out what was going on I was totally broad sided. I spent everything I had saved to move us to a new home and six months later it was done. I could go on and on, but the main message I wish to convay to you is take care of yourself. Emotionally and finacially. Ask God for direction, and stay true to your values. But above all, don't let this turn nasty. Don't let the anger in. You will prevail by being the bigger man. It does get better, and the pain will fade.

Randy

 

[donsrods]

I had a chance to sit down tonight and think about my post to you, Preacher, and I hope I didn't come off too strong on this. It just really brings back a lot of memories of when I was going through it and how little she thought of me after 28 years of marriage. I would have never have done to her what she did to me.

A good friend of mine is going through it right now. His wife has always been high maintenance, loved it when he was a District Manager and making big money. But a few years ago he lost his job but worked his tail off to create another position for himself in a new line of work. He doesn't make anywhere near what he used to and instead of her being supportive and caring all she does is throw it up to him about how is is a failure.

He is the kindest guy in the world and has tried to keep her happy but she has ordered him out of their house and he is living in an apartment. To show you what a nice guy he is, last Saturday night she got plastered and was too drunk to drive so he still drove over and picked her up and got her home. Her response was "You need to go to a shrink and tell him you have been the problem in this marriage !" Funny how they can turn the tables on us.

If you can keep civil with her for the sake of the kids, then do that. This is hard enough on them as it is, but it is also not healthy for them to be in a home where their Parents are always at each others throats. We care about you Preacher, you sound like a great guy and I know this isn't something you wanted.

Don

 

[CR55]

I have to agree with the others in saying that moving away isn't the answer. There's a deeper rooted problem and you need to find it. An ultimatum isn't doing anything to help the situation either. I also agree that you just can't sit back and see what happens. Be proactive....not reactive.....good luck HRP...we're all pullling for ya.

 

[hotrod preacher]

i havent been offended yet, don - or from anyone's comments for that matter...
i am "gathering info" from every comment in hopes of putting together a plan that will work for me (or us)

i guess i am too "passive" according to her, she said last night i should be trying to fight for our marriage, but it is hard to when everything that has happened in the last few years seems to indicate she really wants something different in life...

i cant really explain what is going on w/o taking up 5 pages so ill spare ya'll but i just really feel like life is going on all around me right now and i seem to be "stuck in a foggy haze" -no direction, no motivation, no real joy... and i dont like it!

 

[striptnut]

i cant really explain what is going on w/o taking up 5 pages so ill spare ya'll but i just really feel like life is going on all around me right now and i seem to be "stuck in a foggy haze" -no direction, no motivation, no real joy... and i dont like it!

Well that proves it Preacher- Your human! Any man thats in love with his wife,thats trying to do a "exit stage right" on you feels this way bro. It puts a freakin knot in my stomach just thinking back on how I felt when my first marriage hit "funky times". I remember back readin a phrase that I still remember this day. The advise was"stay low to the ground .Your gonna have good days and your gonna have bad days.You dont wanna be too high off the ground having a good moment,when a bad moment hits ya. The crash hurts" !
I got no words of wisdom,just dumb advise so here it is : Stay active,keep busy. The moment you sit still giving you time to think about whats going on is when the so called"stinkin thinkin" kicks in ! That type of thinkin is when you can make a hasty or angry decision that wont look good in the eyes of your kids. Right now theyre the ones that are gonna go thru a very tough time. I'll say another prayer for you Preacher !

 

[donsrods]

i cant really explain what is going on w/o taking up 5 pages so ill spare ya'll but i just really feel like life is going on all around me right now and i seem to be "stuck in a foggy haze" -no direction, no motivation, no real joy... and i dont like it!


You have summed up perfectly what most of us felt like and what we went through. I became someone I wasn't. I would wake up like a shot at 3am and start planning how I was going to screw with her boyfriend that day, I literally became a caged animal. I would have probably killed him but I wanted to make his life a living hell first, and I did a pretty good job. The little wimp finally got a restraining order against me. That really didn't stop me because I was smart enough to do things that they couldn't trace back to me. but the cops would still show up at our door.

Finally, my Son Don sat me down and said "Dad, we aren't this kind of people, we do not live like this." It hit me and I stopped and started to get my life back together. I look back now and realize I had just flipped out, my whole world was turned upside down and I didn't know how to deal with it. I even had a stroke over it.

But looking back now it was the best thing that ever happened to me. She and I were just hanging on by a thread for the last 14 years of our marriage and simply tolerating each other. It took a full year for me to start feeling human again and then I met a really super lady that I was with for the next 7 years.

Life does go on and someday you will look back and she will only be someone you once knew.

Don

 

[Sam_Fear]

thanks for asking, i guess its all up to me on where to go from here...

even though she has not found a place yet, she's still convinced she is leaving here, and said last nite the only chance we had was if i resigned this church and we moved back to our hometown (only 15 minutes away)

i guess i am too "passive" according to her,

She doesn't know what she has, what she's missing, and what she wants. Most people don't. Women need to socialize, make a home, and feel safe. That's mostly it. Seems to me she sees your Church as getting in the way of fulfilling her needs and possibly the people around you too. I don't see how moving 15 minutes down the road is going to make any difference (unless there are serious neighbor problems or such) but she is likely emotionally reacting more than thinking. I would guess she has had a lot of time to talk about this with her family and friends - and had a lot of time for them to push their own agenda into her head.

I've accepted my wife will leave me some day. Thinking that way makes me cherish what I have now because I'll miss her when she's gone. I've been through it.

You need to except the hardships you will face. It'll be painful, but it won't kill you. Stand tall and tell her you will not make a choice between her and the Church and it is unacceptable for her to even ask that of you. If she wants to stay and make a go of it with you, you would be more than happy to try, but if she is going to leave, then that is her decision and you will miss her greatly. She said it - don't be so passive. Quit cowering about what you should do, take a step back and look at it like it was someone elses life, get your wit's about you, and make your stand.

EDIT: I wish someone would have told me something like that when I was going through it - they may have and I just wasn't hearing them. And it's easy for me to say because I'm 2 states away and not feeling it.

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

It's tough to fight when you're out of breath.

In my own case, separation was a good thing. I moved 1000 miles away for 6 mos. In that time, we realised we were happier together than apart and our "irreconcilable differences" proved to be quite petty. That's a hard road to travel, but we came away with a few things.

- Why we were together in the first place. We both forgot that.

- We're happy for what we do have, not miserable for what we don't.

- The grass may seem greener on the other side, but the dog still craps on it.

- Broken homes suck. We both grew up like that and don't want our kids to if we can help it.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". In our case it was true. I'm not saying this is any good for you and your situation. There's no way to know that. Just saying that sometimes a new perspective can change your view.

 

[hotrod preacher]

ok, here's an update ( possibly my last)

my oldest graduated 6th grade last nite... me n wife sat with kids between us to give a buffer zone... no words really until we get home... then all hell breaks loose...

she wants to "talk" (fight) so we attempt it but it is always the same thing
so when i finally had enuf i try to tell her that when i get mad she pushes until i get REALLY MAD

.... but she continues to follow me thru the house trying to make it worse, i yell some, she yells some-both saying things we shouldnt- and i grab the bedroom door to shut it to seperate me from her n she gets in the way, falls backwards over a laundry basket and jumps up yelling ive knocked her down-and as i am still strying to shut the door she sticks her arm in it to stop me... now im trying to break her arm according to her... and threatens calling the cops...
now guys i'm "too passive" to fight for my marriage" but now i am accused of being a wife beating
jekkyl & hyde preacher who has everybody fooled but her!

needless to say, i didnt sleep well last night, on the floor at the altar of our church building, but i am sorry for how all of it went down and though i do not want a reconcilliation any more, i do want a chance to apologize to my kids and her for all of last nights "fiasco"

please pray for our kids and our church as we go thru these next few dark and ruff days

 

[26Troadster]

i don't know what to say, and if i did i might be the wrong thing to say. all i can do for you is to keep you in our prayers, and hope for the best for all of y'all.

 

[Dinokruzordinance]

preacher

I feel for you guy as ive been there. Your other half is keeping things stirred up to keep u off balance. The only thing you can do is find your center and NOT let her bait you. The more she triggers you the more she gets you dancing around.

More than unbalancing you and your marriage shes undermining your standing with your church.

You have to do the right thing no matter what she says does or attempts to trigger you. Stay calm cool collected. She knows all the buttons to mash and you can make a list as she tries one and goes to the next one to get you going. Trust me.

Shes gonna tell ur a bad dad bad husband bad preacher ~ to suck u into an arguement. Find fault with somethng you said or did. So u start defending urself counter attacking her and begin a shame spiral that makes u feel despair lost and questioning yourself.

This is important ~ i know you lover her ~ but her opinion of you does not DEFINE you. Or your relation with GOD.

Your reacting to her opinion of you. In a safe marriage your spouse supports and cares for you. In a damaged marriage your spouse uses it to hurt you at core level.

GOD and your true friends know who you are. You dont have to explain or prove it. These guys above me GOD above believe in you.

Try and stablize the situation. Seperate yourself if neccessary. If she bashes you tell her im sorry you feel that way and change the subject.

Do not OFFEND or be OFFENDED.

If she drags a steak knife down the sude of ur nee paintjob shrug your shoulders and tell her its nice but paint would make a better pinstripe

Dont do anything to offend her and dont let anything she does get uou offended.

Stay cool calm collected and youll appear the better person. As you center your mind youll ferl better even during challenging moments. If you dont react youll have the grace to know you didnt do anything wrong today. One step at a time. Yesterday you cant change but today your in charge.

Live day by day hour by hour the next five minutes. Surround yourself with loving caring ppl who DONT tear you down.

I live in little rock if you need a break. I got a friend thats a counselor thst can gelp u regain perspective.

Ive been there itll get better just hang on.

 

[Sam_Fear]

Sorry to hear it HRP. I played out that exact scene without kids and replace altar with car. Exact scene. Even caught her arm in the door and the cop threat. Our 'talk' quickly devolved into arguing over socks getting left on the floor or something I said a year before, etc. A list of petty grievances and convoluted 'what ifs' that I couldn't keep up with. It devolved, I tried to leave, that made her worse.

I think there is no right answer you can give or anything to 'fix' at that point. After 15 years, I'd think she'd realize that emotionally men are not much more than donkeys when it comes to a relationship. You're willing to carry a heavy burden for her, but overall you're really just a dumb a...

We separated and eventually started seeing each other again for a couple months. It was great. 10 Minutes after we decided she should move back in, she reverted to how we were. I didn't. I stopped her and said "This isn't going to work." The end.

I musta learned something from all that because my current marriage seems to be going better. Well, I think...