Endless BS thread

[CR55]

Nice guys finish last. My buddy Eric is a saint and people crap on him constantly. It feels good to say no. Try it. It took a while to realize, favors and trades never benefit the higher skilled of the two.

I once had a lady that offered me coupons as trade for concrete work. She ran some paper in town and had 2 for 1 deals and half off coupons. I told her to pay me what I quoted and I'd eat anywhere I wanted.

No deals or trades.

[cl[cl I've learned over the years that certain people are going to "negotiate" pricing, so I raise my original price and let them offer a couple of hundred less. I agree and everyone is happy, especially me cause I raised my original price more than what I took off!

 

[Sam_Fear]

Depending on the price, I usually make an offer a couple hundred less. Then agree to whatever they come back with.

 

[bruno]

Kenny, I would tell your "friend" he can't borrow your payloader and he can have his bobcat back, still broken, when he pays you what he owes you. He sounds like a mooch to me.

 

[earthman]

The Phaeton sits in the front yard with a car cover over it. This morning before i went to work i saw some boots in front it. I looked under and see an illegal sleeping there. The Phaeton still sits high with it's original truck chassis. So i am wondering if the lowering trend that started in California so long ago
was originally just to keep the Mexicans out from under there.

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

So i am wondering if the lowering trend that started in California so long ago
was originally just to keep the Mexicans out from under there.

You might be on to something, eman... and only now do I think... you need a set of airbags on that rig and an instant dump valve.

.

 

[jfg455]

Eman you are 100% correct. Another fun fact you may not have realized is this is where the "mexican" blanket seat covers came from. Often times the "Illegal" would be run off too quick to take his belongings with him hence the blanket left on the seat....[S

 

[billy]

why white guys rarely get in the NBA

https://i.imgur.com/8oewHKo.gif

 

[earthman]

That is a sound theory to me JFG.

 

[earthman]

That is freakin' hilarious Billy!

 

[earthman]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles.
It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after
entering, I had my choice of any machine,
most still running.

If you live in Texas , it might cut your wait
time at the grocery store.

But...don't try it at McDonald's.
The whole crew ran out the back door
and I never did get my order!


Here's the hat;

 

[CR55]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles.
It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after
entering, I had my choice of any machine,
most still running.

If you live in Texas , it might cut your wait
time at the grocery store.

But...don't try it at McDonald's.
The whole crew ran out the back door
and I never did get my order!


Here's the hat;

[cl[cl[cl[cl

 

[Yankee Transplant]

[cl[cl[cl[cl[cl

 

[earthman]

A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

 

[Yankee Transplant]

good one

 

[smallfoot]

These are good...

 

[earthman]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

”Ooh”, said the presenter.
“This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”


“Sticks”, said Paddy

 

[Dr Crankenstein]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady commented, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare!"


So… I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are - but they expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.


So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first cheques a week Friday.

.

 

[Yankee Transplant]

Hell yea !!!!!!!!!!!!! the more you have the more $$$$$ you get a month I know a man who's frig. is so packed with food ' he throughs it away , and always ridding up and down the roads ,all day and night, nice car .. cold beer cigs... and dont have a job and he has a see-ing problem ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, he say's he can't see his a$$ getting a job .... kinda pi$$es ya off .

 

[Jalopytech]

Winter

I was a sitin out front of the neighborhood store the other day, next to an old Indian soakin up the sun waiting on the ol' lady when he said to me " looks like it's goin to be another cold winter" I said, how can you tell? He said "cause white man buying allot of firewood" sure enough across the parking lot was someone a sellin and another buying a load of wood.

 

[maverickmk]

Darwin Awards

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone, but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special which discharged when he drew it to his ear.


Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer--demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper--crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength, according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the
firm Holden-Day-Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.


Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.


Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A Dunkirk IN man--using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader--was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the
gunpowder ignited.


Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton
Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22-caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?